Monday, February 21, 2011

the dangers of stilt walking

Ok, so I have a serious issue being the kind of 'real girl' who can walk in heels, I admit it!

Heels make me feel unsure of my place in the world. As in, I see myself upright and uninjured, and they see me splatted on the ground in a mess of embarrassment and dead.

I have had so many accidents in heels that I think I actually have a kind of phobia about them and am convinced that you need some kind of super power to wear them and:

A) not look like a jerk

 B) not walk with your arms out like a Frankenstein who is simultaneously clutching a small woodland creature between your buttock cheeks.

C) Yeaaah... all of the above.

If you pick 'C' because statistically it's most likely the correct answer you'll be using the kind of logic that lead me to fail Year 12 mathematics in legendary fashion. In this case however, you'd be right.

How fondly I remember my first transformation from ugly duckling to swan (get the popcorn, there's a few of these) when I came to school on a free dress day wearing...well, a dress, and some girl shoes. Yes, they had a heel. Ok, it was more a kitten than a cougar heel, but still it was a HEEL. And those little bastard heels were enough to catch on the wooden edge of the totally NON OHS approved stairs next to the school oval sending me tumbling to my doom, which also happened to be at the feet of the boy I had a teensy crush on.

I mention it was 'teensy' just so you're sure that it wasn't as MONUMENTALLY HUMILIATING as it would have been, had it been a FREAKING MASSIVE CRUSH OH DEAR GOD.

Yeah. Teensy. Got that?

Anyway, after laying there in shock for a few minutes while I digested exactly how much of my teenage coolness had now gone up in flames, I realised that not one, but both of my knees were gushing blood.

Hey, what can I say? I don't do things by halves (and I'm more than part lemming it seems)

I think the kicker for me though, was when said recipient of crush ( I won't mention 'teensy' again because I know that you know how very small it was) frowned in confusion, helped me to my feet and then looked at me as you would imagine one would look at a baboon who had just eaten three live crabs and a labrador puppy. Y'know, horrified, disturbed, but at the same time...fascinated.

Boy: " um...are you, okaay?"

Me: "ha, yeah, ha, I'm fine! Fiiiine! It was only four steps. Totally fiiine."

My Knees: *gush gush bloody gush*

I managed to convince him with added arm waving and 'big eyes' that I was indeed 'totally fiine', although it would probably be more accurate to say that by this point he just thought I was 'totally craaazy'.

It's a good job tattered dignity makes such excellent bandages.

 Grand Exit.


  1. I knew a girl once who hardly ever wore heels.
    She decided that on her wedding day to wear a pair so she could be close in height to her husband. She didn't trip once.

  2. yeah I knew a girl like that too. I wonder if it's the same one Michael?

  3. I heard she kept them on for 2 hours and then changed into sneakers.

  4. I also heard she danced all night after wearing them too.